Fantasy Casting: "The Hills" Movie
By Melissa Hunter
Reality star Lauren Conrad's fictional book about a girl starring in a reality show is being turned into a movie. Still with me? Let's just make this real simple: "The Hills" will not rest until it has been adapted to every medium of entertainment. All we need is for Brody Jenner to create an impressionist painting of Audrina Patridge's hollow eyes, and the cultural vortex will be complete.
But the real question remains: Who will star in the reality-show-turned-novel-turned-film? Clearly none of the "Hills" cast members can act, so we may have to turn to *gasp!* real actors. So roll up your sleeves, and let's figure out who should bring these characters to life.
Audrina Patridge as played by Lindsay Lohan
We all know the girl could use the work, and they have the matching glassy eyes and everything! And casting Lindsay as a girl who spends all her life clubbing in spandex and surrounded by cameras? I mean, if she can't nail this part, all hope for her as an actress will truly be lost.
Lauren Conrad as played by Jennifer Aniston
OK, so Jen may have 20 years on the girl, but that's nothing a little CGI couldn't fix. And who (WHO, we say!) could play the sweet, lovable vaguely blondish girl-next-door better than America's Everlasting Sweetheart?
Besides, the movie will surely have a flash-forward scene to two decades later, a la Rose in the "Titanic," where she throws her old, priceless DVDs into the ether. That's an Oscar moment right there.
Whitney Port as played by Blake Lively
Tall, blond, pretty, stylish and completely vanilla. Who am I talking about? You don't know, huh? These two girls are practically interchangeable, and ever since Port moved to Manhattan, she's pretty much attempted to be the real-life Serena van der Woodsen. So basically: the girl who acts as Serena will act as the girl who acts like Serena. How's that for meta-theatrics?
Brody Jenner as played by Andy Samberg
There are few male actors out there who could capture the pure ham-handedly lame essence of Jenner. Samberg not only shares the same boyish good looks as the TV star, he also looks mad bro-ish in the right hoodie/ striped shirt combo. And what I wouldn't give to see Samberg kick the living crap out of Joe Francis. It's all just perfect.
Heidi Montag as played by AnnaLynne McCord
This is a no-brainer, really. They have a shared passion for kissy faces and a mutual love for shamelessly overt sexuality. While Heidi is about three steps ahead of AnnaLynne in terms of plastic surgeries, she can catch up real fast. Get to "rehearsing," AnnaLynne!
Kristin Cavallari as played by Kristin Cavallari
Much to the film execs' chagrin, Kristin has an iron-clad contract to exclusively play herself in movies. But no matter how hard she tries, she'll still never convincingly play herself. There are just so many tough lines to memorize and a lot of faces to make!
Lo Bosworth as played by Ashley Tisdale
Based on looks alone, Tisdale is a dead ringer for Bosworth. And as she's used to playing second fiddle in the press to V.Hudge, playing LC's BFF is a natural progression.
Spencer Pratt as played by a Troll doll
Laugh all you want, but mark my words, this Troll doll will seamlessly inhabit the role of ... no, forget it, just laugh all you want.
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