Chain Link Dense: "Always remove," fashion legend Coco Chanel famously advised. "Never add." Paula Abdul has taken those words to heart at the Kids' Choice Awards, but only after she filtered them through the Paula Abdul Reality Translator, which reshapes the world in her own Bizarro image -- up is down, black is white and Simon Cowell is happy-go-lucky. In the oft-befuddled "American Idol" judge's mind, her metal-and-mesh nightmare fits Coco's rule to a T: Necklaces (and whatever bicycle chains are lying around) must be draped across your body by the dozen; suspenders must hang uselessly at your sides; fingerless black fishnet gloves must be worn outside of Madonna's "Lucky Star" video from 1983; and birds that accidentally fly into the side of your head must be made into kicky accessories. Perhaps one day the Paula Abdul Reality Translator will be available on the Home Shopping Network, sold alongside her jewelry line, which, by her version of our Earth's logic, she's doing a bang-up job of promoting by wearing every single piece at all times.