Stars are Nothing Like Us!
By Melissa Hunter
THEY ARE DEEMED BAD FOR THE MORAL HEALTH OF ENTIRE NATIONS!
A Chinese government mandate has ordered that all new computers be installed with censorship software to create a filter. You know, for porn, violent images, Johnny Depp, and Paris Hilton. Eh? All right, we already knew 95 percent of Paris' images verge on soft core porn, but Johnny? Something about tattoos, private islands, and children out of wedlock must rub them the wrong way. Incidentally, Garfield (the cartoon cat) also made the sinful censorship list. If you've seen the "Garfield" movie though, I think we'd all be better off having that banned from existence.
THEY DESIGN HALF A DOZEN FRAGRANCES!
If a girl has six types of perfume in her medicine cabinet, that may be deemed as excessive (or crazy, whichever way you look at it). However, as a celebrity, designing six fragrances is simply good business sense. Jennifer Lopez is on to her sixth perfume in her best-selling Glow collection, this one being specifically inspired by her experiences as a mother. See most mothers' "glow" involves sweat from all the dirty diapers and spit-up. I imagine J.Lo's glow stems from a combination of mommy facials, mommy microderm abrasions, and professional mommy lighting.
THEY GET PAID $70K TO ATTEND THEIR OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY!
Lindsay Lohan has been hard up for cash lately, so it's no surprise that she's looking to make an easy buck. And an easy buck she found when the MGM Grand offered her $70,000 to have a day-long party at their Las Vegas hotel. And to Vegas the socialite went for her pre-birthday celebration. All in a day's work. Hopefully that will earn her enough money to have full-length shirts. And for food. Mostly for food.
THEY GET $144 MILLION PAYCHECKS!
In this economy, raises are hard to come by. That is, unless you're the most hated host on the most successful reality TV show of all time. Simon Cowell may be getting a little pay raise. "Idol" producers are reportedly offering him between $100 million and $144 million for next season's "American Idol," up from his meager $36 million paycheck last year. Glad Obama is finally putting the stimulus money where it needs to go!
THEY CAST THEIR OWN BIOPICS!
Meghan McCain's book has yet to be published (or finished for that matter) but she's already casting the movie based on her hypothetical book. So who does she want to play the political socialite? Hilary Duff, obvi. What, you don't see it? She says, "I want Hilary Duff to play me. I think she's really hot - hotter than me - but I'd still want her to play me." Additionally, she wants Bradley Cooper to play a part yet to be determined. You know, just some guy that's like, totally in love with her. In the same interview, she said she's relieved her dad didn't win since she would be constantly followed by bodyguards, just like in the movies. Only problem? "There were no cute guards. Seriously, none of them were cute at all!" What a relief. Ugly bodyguards would have no business in her biopic.
THEY DESTROY COMPUTERS IN FITS OF RAGE!
Fights between lovers often involve breaking objects in moments of passion. You know, like lamps, picture frames, vases, computers with all your potential hit songs on it. In an argument with her boyfriend Jamie Hince, Kate Moss reportedly threw his "manbag" into a swimming pool, which contained his laptop and BlackBerry. Apparently the computer had a few versions of new Kills tracks that weren't backed up anywhere else. It's OK, though. He's gotten inspired to write his new heartfelt ballad "Dating Supermodels Is Rough." Orlando Bloom and Leo DiCaprio will so feel that.
THEY BARGAIN MANSIONS DOWN BY MILLIONS!
Talk about a recession miracle! A few months back, Madonna was reportedly considering purchasing a $40 million mansion. Don't worry, guys, it's not as crazy as all that. She reportedly bargained down the price to a mere $32 million. Smart move, Madge. Adding another child to your family, you're gonna have to find ways to cut back. FYI, I heard Maseratis are totally on sale right now, too.
THEY ONLY FLY ON PRIVATE JETS!
Larry King did not attend the Police Athletic League's Superstar Dinner in New York. Why? All the private jets were booked. Darned the luck! King's rep confirmed that the talk show host does not fly commercial, though denied this was the reason he didn't attend. In all fairness, even the nicest of first class seats probably don't support his, um, back problems.
THEY THREATEN THEIR PLASTIC SURGEONS!
Celebs tend to have love-hate relationship with their plastic surgeons. Famed drama-inducing 90s supermodel Karen Mulder has been arrested for allegedly threatening her plastic surgeon. Mulder apparently wanted a surgery reversed and made multiple calls threatening to attack her surgeon. While these were only phone calls, I imagine they would be more worrisome than in person intimidation considering it would be difficult to discern any sort of emotions associated with the threats. Let's just hope the doctor's surgery didn't involve implanting biceps.
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