Undressed for Oct. 28
Gwen Worlds Collide: Hey, celebrities really are just like us. They, too, have to deal with the hassles and indignities that accompany air travel. But where most of us surrender to the process by turning up at the security checkpoint in built-for-comfort clothes and easy-off shoes, Gwen Stefani defies slovenly convention by interpreting FAA as meaning Funky Airport Attire. The pop queen-cum-designer doesn't see the point in slouching around the terminal in sweatpants when George Washington's pantaloons are an option, or styling a boring opaque shirt when sheer black nylon makes her red bra pop and reduces the chance of an awkward pat-down, because, after all, a see-through top shows she has nothing to hide, not even her modesty.
Video: Elle.com's profile of Gwen Stefani
Heidi Ho: If we could peer inside Heidi Montag's mind at this precise moment, what we'd find (besides tumbleweeds and a weary mouse listlessly running on a wheel) is that she's feeling pretty. So pretty that she's expecting Richard Gere to pull up in a Lotus any second now and offer her a ride (so to speak) to his fancy hotel suite. While some starlets harbor fantasies about becoming Julia Roberts, the fame-hustling "Hills" blonde has the bar set a little lower: She dreams about becoming Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman." And why not? The pay is good, the designer clothes are plentiful, and there's no Spencer Pratt and his creepy flesh-colored beard to deal with. Heidi has done a masterful job of capturing that certain je ne trampy sais quoi of hard-working girl Vivian in a black leather miniskirt, tight hot-pink tank top and over-the-knee boots that are versatile enough for her to walk the streets day or night. But Montag keeps her eye on the white knight prize by carrying an up-market baby blue Birkin bag, a clear shout-out to Vivian's Rodeo Drive transformation from heart-of-gold hooker to high-class looker.
See Speidi's Most Shameless Photo Ops
Feather Dusted: The last thing that pigeon remembers seeing was Shannen Doherty scowling in a saggy black prom dress. Then ... nothing.
Nip/Yuk: It's hard to believe, but just a few years ago Amy Winehouse was touted as the next big thing. But after a prolonged marinade in booze, drugs and a cripplingly co-dependent relationship with ex (and likely future) husband Blake Fielder-Civil, the vice-plagued singer has fallen far from her beehived, ballet-slippered heyday. But she isn't about to let her "next big thing" status go without a fight. And that fight means wrestling her brand new, baby-head-shaped "next big things" into a dangerously stressed floral corset that is too despondent about its present circumstances to put up much of a struggle. Seems that in a bid to boost her battered self-esteem, Amy went under the knife to boost her bustline, and she positively swells with pride as she shows off the results. Sad to say, her saline-enhanced zippered top, with only a Hot Topic miniskirt and leather back brace for support, couldn't take the pressure and gave up. Winehouse, however, appears unconcerned with the mammary-triggered slippage, a sure sign that she's spiraled to a point so low that even nipular-exposing pioneer Tara Reid is crying out for a bucket of brain bleach.
Counter Attack: With movie offers scarce and a dated kitchen in dire need of renovation, Sharon Stone did what any shrewd former A-list star would do: She agreed to become a corporate shill. But once she realized that the suits at Home Depot expected her to wear a couture caftan in the very same pattern as the opulent granite countertop she picked out, she frantically tried to undo the deal. No dice. The red-eyed actress conveys her unhappiness by trampling the hemline of her product placement muumuu and adopting an expression befitting the circumstances, that is, it's stonier than Mount Rushmore and Stonehenge combined.
Is Sharon Stone a bright blond or a dim bulb?
Science Friction: A few months ago, Angie Harmon proudly talked up the Republican Party to Fox News, cheerleading that one of its greatest strengths was that "we don't point fingers." The actress might want to amend that statement in light of this go-go queen of the galaxy getup, which will have both her fellow conservatives and every last Democrat aiming their digits in her direction while doubled over with laughter. In fact, Angie's should-be-lost-in-space duds are an issue both parties can get behind. Who wants to argue about health care when you can instead debate whether the crew of Battlestar Galactica is orbiting under her dress, or if her wrapped, mummy-naut boots would be appropriate for a stroll along the outside of the Starship Enterprise? In her attempt to be fashion forward (at warp speed), Harmon has inadvertently bridged the ideological gap between parties. So, kudos to you, Angie: actress, Republican, red-carpet catastrophe, peacemaker.
Sheet Happens: After working on Quentin Tarantino's testosterone-drenched "Inglourious Basterds," Diane Kruger desperately needed a change of pace. And she really thought she'd found it with this fun, lighthearted new role. But, truth be told, the actress is having some serious second thoughts about starring in Disney's big-screen extravaganza, "Tooth Fairies on Ice." If she'd known how hard it would be to execute a triple toe loop with a wand in one hand, a bag of choppers in the other and a tablecloth flapping behind her, she probably would have just stayed home and snuggled up with longtime squeeze Pacey Peter Joshua Jackson.
See funny pics of Diane and other stars in LOL Pics
What Not to Tear: Quiz time, people: Sienna Miller's sequined metallic frock looks ripped and shredded because: a) she's sending a sticks-and-stones message to the New York theater critics who viciously tore apart her Broadway debut in "After Miss Julie"; b) she was attacked by the aforementioned critics, who were carrying both sticks and stones; c) she bumped into the wife of ex-boyfriend Balthazar Getty, who, it turns out, is still mighty upset over those topless bikini pictures and knows how to wield a mean manicure; d) she just endured the traditional Great White Way hazing ritual of being locked in a dark room as the soundtrack to "Cats" plays on a loop. Garment rending typically begins around the third time the hazee hears "Rum Tum Tugger"; or e) she was told by Vogue overlord Anna Wintour that everyone who's anyone will be wearing Flintstones couture next season, although, come to think of it, Anna was snickering when she said it.
Squalid Gold: If we had a nickel for every time we dragged ourselves out of bed, wiped the sleep from our eyes and thought, "Today feels like a crotch-crinkling gold lamé pants kind of day," we would have exactly five cents. (Don't judge -- we were dreaming about David Lee Roth. OK, judge away.) Annalynne McCord also banks some coin as she steps out in hermetically sealed leggings that leave little to the imagination. But a little is all it takes. We imagine that the "90210" starlet figured her gams and groin were getting too comfortable with the steady supply of fresh air provided by her recent stylistic soft spot for weensy minidresses. We imagine that her boots still have tufts of fur and traces of catnip in them from being on the paws of a sword-wielding Puss for so long. And we imagine that she's telling the person on the other end of the phone how she's never experienced such uncomfortable chafing until the moment her pants began bad-touching her.
Comic Brooke: Brooke Shields has seen and done it all. She's partied at Studio 54, swum nekkid in the blue lagoon, made sure nothing came between her and her Calvins, ditched her tweezers in favor of bushy eyebrows, befriended Michael Jackson, sparred with Tom Cruise and somehow kept "Suddenly Susan" on the air for four long years. But with all that life experience, the striking, statuesque actress still falls prey to one of the most common and avoidable fashion traps: extraneous froufrou. Brooke's strapless, lace cutout column would have been quite nice on its own. It's fitted, flattering and showcases her impressively in-shape arms and shoulders. But what's with the black streamers on her skirt? Is Shields double-booked for a debutante ball and a funeral? Or is she trying to spark a trend to liberate women from the binding burden of pantyhose by making it fashionable to staple the stockings to the outside of your dress? Either way, if we wanted to be creeped out by rubbery, black-tighted legs and feet, we'd prefer they were attached to a mime struggling to get out of an imaginary box.
Katy Domes: Katy Perry recently celebrated her 25th birthday, an important milestone in the life of every cutely quirky popster. The quarter-century mark means the smiley singer is young enough to have the fabulous, not-yet-familiar-with-gravity body necessary to strap a metallic mesh scarf from Ziggy Stardust's reject pile over her lady bits and paint the town red. More importantly, the big 2-5 also means she's old enough to afford the truckload of double-sided sticky tape needed to retain a scrap (literally) of ladylike deportment.
Moore Is Less: We admit it: We're Julianne Moore apologists. Every time the actress stumbles on the red carpet (not an uncommon occurrence, regrettably), we look for an excuse. The lighting was off. The camera angle was bad. It was a full moon and her stylist experienced a temporary bout of insanity. Any explanation will do. We simply can't believe someone as lovely and talented as Moore would knowingly let her beauty be undermined by unbecoming designer-wear. That said, we're having a tough time coming up with a reason why she's decked out in this poufy-sleeved silk dress in a coral-meets-blushing-from-embarrassment-bridesmaid color. The lopsided frock does nothing for Julianne's peaches-and-cream complexion, or her glossy auburn tresses, or certain parts of her body (i.e., the parts from her neck to her knees). The only excuse we can think of: She's secretly a TJ Maxxinista and couldn't resist a bargain dress that comes with a free plastic belt.
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