Unsolicited Relationship Advice
By Melissa Hunter
In "The Ugly Truth," Gerard Butler's character claims to be an expert on all things love. Well, with all due respect Gerry, your LiLo hookup rumors maaaay discredit you from all future love advising. So let's get the real experts in. And by real experts, I mean me. Your celebrity love guru. So with all my expertise (that I shall not divulge at this time), here's some food for thought for your favorite famous hot mess couples du jour.
Katy Perry & Russell Brand
The sitch: After some public VMAs canoodling, various other publicized PDA incidents and Russell's supposed vow to monogamy, they've become the most attractive couple in the UK.
Suggestion: You guys, let's be real: you're not exactly in the mindset for "settling down" right now. But something about this match is pretty cute, albeit in a famewhore-ish kind of way. May I suggest tabling the relationship for about 10 years until you've gotten all the seed-sewing out of your systems and reconnect? Set a time and place to rendezvous in 2020. It will be very "Affair to Remember," minus the whole tragic paralysis thing.
Paris Hilton & Doug Reinhardt
The sitch: Gosh, it's been a rocky year for these two, but there's hope yet! The pair really have so much in common: I mean, their shared passion for shameless self-promotion, conspicuous consumption, and, you know, they both love soup.
Suggestion: The best way for you to keep it fresh is through a joint venture, launching a product that celebrates your love. Paris has about 192 products already so this might be tough. May I propose breeding a new designer puppy? Perhaps a Paridoogle? Basically a poodle mixed with a beagle mixed with depravity.
Kim Kardashian & Reggie Bush
The sitch: The classic football-player-meets-reality-TV-socialite tale. They shared some blissful photographed moments, but the duo broke up earlier this year and later reunited -- coincidentally, of course -- at her sister Khloe's televised wedding. Funny how that works out.
Suggestion: If you're having issues, Kim, remember that your sisters are respectively in quickie marriage and baby daddy situations. It's all relative. And really guys, you're both beautiful people, so this "chemistry" thing shouldn't be terribly difficult.
Jay-Z & Beyonce Knowles
The sitch: Megawatt music stars fall in love and get married. Individually lovable, collectively adored. Occasionally go for a public outing and we swoon over their adorability.
Suggestion: Babies. We think it is crucial to the success of your relationship to have many, many babies. OK, that's not true. In fact, your relationship seems like one of the best in the realm of power couples. We just would like to creepily live vicariously through the Bey-Jay progeny. Go to!
Madonna & Jesus Luz
The sitch: Divorced, middle-aged super-celebrity meets 22-year old South American model. I think the rest of this love story writes itself.
Suggestion: Jesus, here's the thing about Madonna and boy toys. She keeps getting older, but they stay the same age. So if you're going to be able to hang on to this sweet man candy gig for much longer, you gotta seek out the Fountain of Youth ASAP. I'm pretty sure Madonna has a secret well of it somewhere on her compound, so you better get a-searching before she catches a wrinkle on your pristine visage.
Chris Martin & Gwyneth Paltrow
The sitch: Married, living in London with their two children. The pair hasn't been seen out together in months. Rumors of estrangement have run rampant and Chris was allegedly seen kissing another skinny, bland blonde: Kate Bosworth.
Suggestion: All right guys, either announce your breakup and quit leading separate lives in your double-wide mansion or suck it up and do a requisite, publicity-ordered "having a quiet night out at the Soho House" paparazzi photo shoot.
Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon
The sitch: Married for a year and a half, this pair's hobbies include red carpet PDA, sexual overshares, and general money burning activities.
Suggestion: There have been pregnancy rumors swirling for a while, so either let the world know there's a mini-Mimi on the way or quit teasing us. And maybe the world couldn't handle another Mariah anyway, so it might be best to hop on the adoption wagon. It's what all the excessively rich people do to make them feel more "grounded."
Mel Gibson & Oksana Grigorieva
The sitch: A red carpet relationship debut, a $250 million dollar divorce and one baby later, Mel seems to have found domestic bliss. Minus the whole reckless instability thing.
Suggestion: All right, Oksana, now that the baby has been birthed and you have a mini-Mel on your hands, the clock is ticking. You are in dangerous baby mama territory until you get those vows in order. When he gives you a prenup to sign, just flash your boobs until he gets distracted enough to swap it with a marriage license.
Fergie & Josh Duhamel
The sitch: They're nearing their year anniversary and there are already rumors that Josh cheated on Fergs with a stripper. Oh come now, boys aren't into strippers! Fergie also recently noted that Josh loved the "extra meat" she had on her while filming the movie "Nine." Cute? Gross? Unclear.
Suggestion: You gotta keep him guessing, Fergie, if you want his wandering eye and his regular eye to remain on you. It seems he had a crush on you during your "My Humps" days, so get on doing a highly sexualized hit single that references your key assets. And this time less innuendo. Let's keep it straightforward and call it, "My Boobs and Butt."
Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom
The sitch: After a month of dating, the two had a beautiful wedding (filmed for her reality show, natch). Then came a painfully rigid pre-nup. Then the marriage contract. And now his and hers tattoos. The pre-nup better have set aside money for tattoo removal costs.
Suggestion: Sham wedding or not, you two are presumably under contracts stronger than wedding vows (E! makes you sign in blood, I've heard), so you gotta find a way to make it work. Khloe, Lamar has graciously become involved in your work (i.e. living on camera), so start taking interest and sign up for the next NBA tryouts. You'd look super cute in yellow and purple.
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