The big winner in this week's hotly contested battle for the story we desperately hope is true but most likely isn't comes from Us Weekly, which claims John Mayer is pining away for onetime love Jennifer Aniston, whom he split with in 2009.
"He's definitely not thrilled to see Jen in so many photos with a new guy, especially one who is a cooler version of him," a source asserts to the mag.
In response, Mayer has supposedly been "gorging on pizza bites, Hot Pockets, and Smucker's Uncrustables" while penning songs, presumably all about the heartbreak of lost love (and pain of the munchies), at his Los Angeles-area home.
"He's just eating microwave food and getting chunky," snipes the confidant. "Seeing Jen happy now isn't easy. He cared about her more than any of his other girlfriends."