Stars are Nothing Like Us for Nov. 19
by Melissa Hunter
THEY SPEND THOUSANDS ON SKIN CREAM!
Stars just have that glow, you know? All it takes is a little TLC and a whole mess of expendable income. Leo DiCaprio reportedly spent $1,400 on skin products in one outing, which included face masks, eye creams, and anti-wrinkle lotions.
Well, at least we know male stars spend as excessively as the women folk do to look young. We're all for gender equality when it comes to age scrutiny.
THEY GET TATTOS AS IMPULSE PURCHASES!
Megan Fox is the tattooed chick of every biker (and non-biker's) dreams. Turns out, she doesn't put too much thought into the permanent ink. In a recent interview, she equated her tattoos to impulse purchases. So a Marilyn forearm tattoo is to Megan as an on-sale pack of Nutter Butters is to me? I hope it didn't make her as immediately satisfied and subsequently physically ill as my impulse buy did.
THEY GET $33 MILLION PAYCHECKS!
Johnny Depp is reportedly receiving $33 million to reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in the fourth installment of "Pirates of the Caribbean." Are you kidding, that's totally, umm -- Damn it, even this news item can't make me be cynical about Johnny. Darn him and his likability! Now let the Sexiest Man Alive build an extension to his private island so he can be eternally cooler than us in peace.
THEY DEMAND THOUSANDS IN FREE SWAG!
Lindsay Lohan reportedly pitched a fit because she couldn't leave a jewelry launch party with $15k worth of free swag. Apparently, she had been promised between $500 and $2000, but that wasn't enough. What kind of world are we living in where a trainwreck starlet can't barter personal appearances for diamonds? Obama better be rolling out the socialite stimulus package Bling for Clunkers ASAP.
THEY GET SUED OVER THEIR CRAZYPANTS SPENDING!
Be careful what you sue for. Nic Cage is now being countersued by his money manager (who Cage claimed squandered his money) and the manager happily divulged Cage's unbelievable spending habits. The list included: 15 palatial homes, four yachts, a Bahaman island, a private jet and 22 automobiles purchased in one year. The real question remains: how does one go about repossessing an island?
THEY AUCTION OFF MOLDS OF THEIR BREASTS!
Oh, Tila. The things you (and only you) do for charity. Ms. Tequila auctioned off a mold of her *ahem* chest region to support breast cancer research. Plastic boobs from a plastic boob to support boobs. Yep, that certainly fits with her personal brand.
Check out Tila's Twitterview!
FOOD DOESN'T TASTE AS GOOD TO THEM AS UNREALISTIC BEAUTY!
Professional waif Kate Moss divulged her motto in a recent interview: "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Shocker. I think they tattoo that onto girls when they join the supermodel union. If I may, allow me to take a moment and force feed Kate a Sprinkles red velvet cupcake and we'll see how skinny is feeling to her then.
THEY FILM NOT ONE, BUT EIGHT SEX TAPES!
Hotter-than-thou Carrie Prejean apparently has eight looming sex tapes that will presumably be released any day now. It's quite a coincidence that this gossip comes out just as she's releasing a book. Apparently, like her breast implant justification, there's nothing in the Bible about taped fornication, so it's A-OK! Just FYI, if you've never made a sex tape, your chances for fleeting fame are slim to nil.
THEIR BOUTS WITH SWINE FLU MAKE HEADLINES!
While much of America has come down with swine flu, we've discovered the main antidotes are plenty of liquids and ample sleep. Well, if you're a washed-up celebrity, the true cure is media attention. Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins is the latest rando celeb to have an exclusive interview around her experience with the flu. Melissa Rycroft and ex-Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell have also revealed their harrowing tales with the flu to the press.
Stay tuned for Shauna Sand's exclusive personal story of the trauma she went through coping with a sinus infection.
THEY GO ON CRASH DIETS WHEN THEY HIT HEALTHY WEIGHTS!
Adrianne Curry explains that she hid herself from the public eye for a while because she weighed 150 pounds. Did I mention she's 5'10"? The girl went on a no-carb, no butter, no sugar diet to shed 14 pounds in two weeks so she could show her face again. She claims, however, she doesn't believe in being "thin disgusting." Instead she opts for regular old "underweight upsetting." I would shake this woman if I didn't fear snapping her in two.
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