Don't Believe the Stripe: For crying out loud, Jessica Simpson, how many times are we going to have this conversation? Did you really think a horizontally striped, vacuum-sealed dress with a cutout back was the most figure-flattering option for belting out the national anthem at the AT&T National golf tournament? Granted, the song mentions "broad stripes," but no one expected you to take it literally. It's time to stop this sartorial self-sabotage and start wielding that bombshell body of yours like the powerful weapon it is (and not just because of those formidable torpedoes). Need convincing? Check out the young man in white eyeballing you as he stands at full attention, if you know what we mean. Look, Jess, dressing to titillate isn't necessarily a bad thing (ask any Hooters waitress with a 401k), but you have the potential for so much more. With the right clothes and confident attitude, you could meld the lusciousness of Marilyn with the classiness of Salma, and become a role model for the anti-lollipop movement in the process. But first, you need to renounce the horizontal stripes, which are as frightening on you as they were on Freddy Krueger.