Just Wondering: What disease does Marilyn Manson have?

Wonderwall, Friday, September 25, 2009, 5:39pm (PDT)

By Melissa Hunter

Marilyn Manson is diseased. More so than usual. The Prince of Darkness wrote on his blog that he has come down with Swine Flu, officially becoming the least surprising case of Swine Flu to date.

Manson had been on tour for his new album "The High End of Low" for some time when he made the announcement. And with two concerts remaining in Canada, what's a goth rocker to do? The Jonas Brothers canceled shows in Mexico during the height of Swine Flu outbreak, so one would only expect Mr/Ms. Manson to follow in their footsteps (we're sure he really looks up to them).

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No cancelations have been made, but a statement has been released by his reps from Gillett Entertainment Group and Live Nation denying that he got the illness and confirming that he would, in fact, play his last two tour dates.

The plot thickens. Might Marilyn be performing with Swine Flu? For years, haters have warned parents that Marilyn Manson will harm their children. This time, they may be right.

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But let's not jump to conclusions here, the denial might actually be accurate. Sure, Marilyn might have thought he had the illness, but there are many other probable reasons for his, um, issues.

1) Face Paintitis: Caused by years and years of face paint abuse, this disease occurs once the white paint seeps into the pores and causes one to sing spitefully, lose gender orientation, and become inexplicably irresistible to edgy sex kittens.

2) Broken Black Heart Syndrome: Goths have feelings, too. Broken Black Heart Syndrome may be caused by Evan Rachel Wood's recent romantic link to Shane West. Shane West!? Marilyn could not be taking that well. Even I would be sick in bed if my ex was dating the star of "A Walk to Remember."

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3) Mono: I mean, we know this guy gets around, am I right? With the amount of chicks he's swapped spit with, the odds are he'd catch the kissing disease sooner or later.

4) He caused Swine Flu: Sure, he didn't CONTRACT Swine Flu. That part is true. The guy was just born with it. And eventually his trait of general malaise became contagious and turned into a full-fledged epidemic.

In any case, steer clear Canadians! Manson's concert may have some dire side effects besides just involuntary head-banging.