Wonderwall, Monday, December 30, 2013, 1:00pm (PST)
Maybe you shook your head over "Duck Dynasty" star Phil Robertson's comments about homosexuality ("Sin becomes fine. Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.") and southern race relations ("Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say, 'Were they happy?' They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues."). And perhaps rolled your eyes over his subsequent suspension and quick reinstatement by A&E after a conservative outcry, because, hey, when the First Amendment meets a reality TV millionaire, anything can happen.
Well, prepare for an eye-rolling, head-shaking extravaganza, because it turns out Phil has some very definite ideas on what a man should look for in a wife, specifically, a learner's permit and completed geometry homework.
In a recently unearthed talk he gave at the Sportsmen's Ministry in Georgia back in 2009, Robertson urges men to pluck a bride from high school, and counsels the crowd to test drive her cooking skills and Scripture knowledge.
"Make sure that she can cook a meal, you need to eat some meals that she cooks, check that out," he said. "Make sure she carries her Bible. That'll save you a lot of trouble down the road. And if she picks your ducks, now, that's a woman."
("Picks your ducks" means cleaning a bird of its feathers -- get your mind out of the gutter, people.)
"They got to where they're getting hard to find. Mainly because these boys are waiting until they get to be about 20-years-old before they marry 'em," continued Robertson, who married wife Kay when she was 16 to his 20. "Look, you wait until they get to be 20-years-old, the only picking that's going to take place is your pocket."
This generated laughter from the presumably male-dominated crowd.
"You got to marry these girls when they are about 15 or 16, they'll pick your ducks," proclaims Phil, whose aspiring fashion designer granddaughter, Sadie, is an apparently very marriageable 16. He then prudently cautions, "You need to check with mom and dad about that, of course."
Of course. For what it's worth, you need to be at least 16 in Georgia to apply for a marriage license (with parental consent). In Louisiana, a court order is necessary for females under the age of 16.