Wonderwall, Wednesday, March 10, 2010, 4:45pm (PST)
By Melissa Hunter
Howard Stern has a knack for objectifying women. It's pretty much the silicone bedrock of his career. So it was no wonder that he had the idea to host a Tiger Woods mistress beauty pageant between the golfer's other women. Only three appeared on the Sirius radio show -- Jamie Jungers, Jaimee Grubbs, and Loredana Jolie (who should certainly win for porn starriest name).
The three girls stood in their underwear in all their plastic glory and Stern used the opportunity to get as many dirty details as he could out of the women. But I'll spare you as I think we've all heard enough about Tiger's nether region for one lifetime.
But the moment of true disgust came when Howard announced the results of the Miss Mistress pageant. When Jamie Grubbs, the OG mistress, came in second, she was pissed. She was sure she would come in No. 1, but the sweet-faced (relatively speaking, of course) Jungers came out on top. Apparently Grubbs stormed out of the station to presumably drown her sorrows in Ben & Jerrys and her DVR-ed Extra interview on a loop. She's the modern-day Madame Bimbo Bovary.
And Jamie gave a tearful speech when she collected her $75,000 check (that's right, 75 grand), thanking her fans and the Hollywood Foreign Press for this achievement. Really though, it seemed like the best moment of her life as she stood there in her skivvies getting a novelty check from Ashley Madison.
Oh, and if you're not familiar, Ashley Madison has a dating Web site for married people who want to have affairs. This just gets classier and classier. Though I must say, the Ashley Madison marketing manager should get a bonus for this genius brand integration.
And while Howard Stern attempts to set the feminist movement back 10 years yet again, I certainly hope Ms. Jungers uses that money toward a college degree and not Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon.